My Groupon Adventure by Max Dickins

Author:Max Dickins
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781783522620
Publisher: Unbound

Chapter Ten

Four days later I was back in Blighty and stood on the doorstep of my parents’ house. I’d come over to show off my alligator photos. If this didn’t make them proud, then nothing would. I rang the bell and Dad answered the door looking agitated. ‘Keep your voice down!’ he whispered. ‘We’ve got eight Germans upstairs!’ I stared back at him aghast. My father has always maintained a bizarre suspicion of Germany and now he’d taken hostages. ‘Dad … what’s going on? What have you done?’ I said, worried. ‘What do you mean?’ he said, ‘Oh! The Krauts! Yes. Sorry. They’re B&B guests. Look, you better come in and take a seat before they put their towels down on the sofa.’ My father led me through to the kitchen, where my mother was clearing away the breakfast plates. ‘They’re actually quite nice,’ said Mum, genuinely surprised. ‘I said to them this morning, I said, “we normally do bacon and eggs for breakfast, but we’ve got some sausages in especially for you”. Which I think they appreciated.’ ‘Mum, that’s so racist!’ I said. ‘What’s racist about that? It’s a lovely gesture, that’s what it is. They were organic.’ ‘What else have you done? Replaced the Bibles in the bedside tables with copies of Mein Kampf?’ I said. ‘Don’t be so stupid!’ she said. ‘You can’t get your hands on Mein Kampf for love nor money these days.’ ‘Errr, yes you can,’ said Dad. who was now sat like Winston Churchill, with a sausage perched in-between his lips as if a cigar. ‘You can buy it on Amazon. Terrible reviews.’ ‘Dad, why the hell were you looking up Mein Kampf on Amazon?’ I said. ‘I got there accidentally. I was looking at Jeremy Clarkson’s new book and there was a link. “Customers who bought this item, also bought Mein Kampf.”

My parents weren’t impressed with the alligator wrestling pictures. ‘You’re a fucking idiot,’ said Dad, pointing his sausage at me for emphasis. Mum was more concerned with my love life. My cousin’s wedding was just eight weeks away now, and I was still without a ‘plus one’. ‘How come you can kiss an alligator but you can’t get a girlfriend?’ she said. Unfortunately my mother had a point. Maybe it was time I took some tentative steps back into the dating game? After all, everyone wants what they can’t have, right? I still wanted Jen back, there was no doubt about that. But a few photos of me on Facebook with other girls wouldn’t do any harm. I needed her to think I was moving on, that I was slipping away from her. Then she would be forced to realise that the grass actually isn’t greener. I’d done the hard bit – I’d become spontaneous. Now I had another plan too: I needed to look desired.

It was time to put myself out there. I was single and ready to mingle. So I signed up to an online dating site. But I wanted an edge.

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